Turned to dust---Just Like that…But then, HOPE.

So, this is actually a sequel to my latest post: WOW. UNBELIEVABLE.

Well, I don't exactly know when to start. Second Grading is almost to its end, and of course, dreaded tests go sneaking up my back again.

Calculus was the one I was fearing above all of the subjects that I study. And I'm so right. Calculus really ruined my LIFE.

I got a real awful score at the prelims so when I computed my highest possible grade,...Man, I didn't even pass!!

The whole world literally became darker, everything fell apart. And so, I'm back to depress mode.

I made a silent pact to myself that I won't cry because of grades. But these eyes kept on spilling tears...

I'm good at hiding my feelings, though they can be overwhelming at times, so I successfully stopped myself from crying. Everybody around me seemed fine. Yeah, they were FINE. I despised the fact that while I sit there, knowing that life took a turn for the worst, they go on and have their lunch as if Calculus was just an easy bump on the road. Well, obviously, it wasn't just a small matter to me. It looked like Mt. Everest, boasting its high peaks in front of my ashamed face.

There. A terrible thing just happened to me. But something worse made it to the center stage.

As I sit there, watching everything go to ruins, I thought that my friends would be my consolation prize. Still, I didn't feel any comfort. Nobody ever said that it's going to be okay. I realized then that the more I convince myself alone, the more I can't believe it. I need someone, anyone to be there---even for just a short period of  time. That would've changed something in me.

As I went deeper into my dark day, Calculus seemed a substory . I focused on the fact that my friends weren't there when I needed them the most. I wanted them to be there. More than that, I NEEDED them. I felt alone and sad and disappointed by what I have just experienced and it hurt. I'm already down, and  although they didn't exactly do it, they even pushed me to the ground some more, instead of extending a hand. -Sigh- I guess I have to keep this to myself though, I simply don't want complications in life and hey, I just let out my feelings here, NO HOLDS BARRED. So maybe, yeah, I'm ready to forgive then forget. Yeah, I will. But still, I felt down. Very down.

But this entry won't end in a hopeless tone.

God became my last shred of hope. Unlike the disappointment that slapped me across the face earlier, God never turned His back on me. He stayed there. He stayed with me. I wasn't worth that. I've been an irresponsible and hard-headed and stubborn person. But yet HE STAYED. Of all, He didn't give up on the wrecked me. He never took His eyes off me for just a split-second, when He could have. He was there. he loved me despite of all my wrong moves and horrible indecision.

He was the one who kept me SANE. I was on the edge of the cliff. I'm so close to stepping down. But His hand stayed me there. His Love kept me on my feet. His Grace kept me walking.

I LOVE HIM, THAT'S ALL,.